I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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