I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
