Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I want to make a zoo with you.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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