i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
