So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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