Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
