I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
