sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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