Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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