I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Randomize
