it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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