My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
