my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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