Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
