he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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