I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
