KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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