Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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