Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
