I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I want to fling myself into the sun
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