you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
