take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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