I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
