he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
