i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
