Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
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Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
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I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious