I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
