Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
