Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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