I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
