So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
