I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
