Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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