Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
