She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
