I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
