my phone needs a breathalizer
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
