it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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