Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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