My liver just broke up with me...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
