i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
