There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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