I'm laying in your front yard are you home
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
