Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
