Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
