The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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