my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
