First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
