what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
