a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
