I faked an abortion last night.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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