god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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