There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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