dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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