Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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