I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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