I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
