woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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