I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
