Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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